Thursday, April 18, 2013

How I'm Actually Doing (LOA)

It's three in the morning and I have no one to talk to, so I guess I'm "talking" to whoever ends up reading this.

I'm miserable. And that's just been the default lately. I'm ashamed of who I've become and I feel like a massive dissapointment to anyone who's ever known me. I fight and fight and each time it feels like I run out of steam faster than the last. I hit rock bottom. As in, a new rock bottom (which only took about three weeks to dethrone the last). I would think that for someone as hopeless as I've been lately I could at least take refuge in the fact that rock bottom usually means it can only get better, or at least not get too much worse. But nope, my life somehow managed to find a way to destroy that too, so that now even after the worse I can still very easily believe that somehow, as virtually impossible as it seems right now, there is always a way for things to get even worse. Pessimism at its very finest. Thank you life.

I feel insanely alone. I feel like 99% of my most meaningful personal connections have pretty much vanished for all intents and purposes. Sure, that's mostly because of all the bridges I seemed to somehow burn. Even so, the efforts that I have made to reconnect with people on any meaningful level have been largely unsuccessful, but it's probably still my fault. I'm done with hopeless attempts to reach out. Or maybe I'm tired of having to do all the reaching out. Maybe that's why I'm writing this here. Maybe it's a cry for help of sorts. At the very least I know it's being communicated. Maybe that counts for something.

I wish I could see how this experience will make me stronger in the end (assuming there is one). But I don't. The old me would say "not yet at least". The real me says that's bull.

I can't see the bright side the vast majority of times. There is no light at the end of the tunnel always there to guide me either. I can't just suck it up and push any more than I already am. I'm tired and extremely weak. There is no easy "fix". I just wish there were more people who could understand that and so they could stop indirectly insulting me and knocking me down even further with their ignorant assumptions. Maybe then there would be more people I could actually trust with the truth of what I'm going through and I wouldn't feel as horribly alone. Again, there's probably no one to blame but myself.

I don't even know what I was really trying to communicate anymore. I guess I just wanted to point out the fact that I'm in extreme pain. That's all. Why? I don't know. But there it is. Is it stupid for me to be this honest on a public internet blog? Probably. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and see how far I've come. Or maybe I'll look back at this and laugh because it only gets much worse from here.

P.S: There's no use worrying about me. Worry is for problems yet to come. My issues are here, and they've been here for quite a while. The disaster's not looming. This is it. If reading this arouses some sympathy, thank you for your kind thoughts. If it causes pity, then that's fair too. If you read this and shake your head in some mixture of confusion, disappointment, or just plain disgust and dislike, I don't blame you.

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