Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Deep Breaths (LOA)

Phew. What a weekend.

I haven't felt a sense of peace like the one I'm currently feeling for a very long time. So much has happened that I'm having trouble digesting it all.

The best thing I can do right now is keep taking deep breaths and letting it all sink in. I thought I'd have more than enough material for a blog post but I realize that I wouldn't even know where to begin. My journal (the physical one) would probably be a better place to start.

For now all I know is that my head is clearer and my optimism is slowly returning. Real optimism, the quiet confident kind. Not the kind that needs to constantly claw and fight to stay alive.

Thank you for rescuing me Kelsey. You're my hero.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

How I'm Actually Doing (LOA)

It's three in the morning and I have no one to talk to, so I guess I'm "talking" to whoever ends up reading this.

I'm miserable. And that's just been the default lately. I'm ashamed of who I've become and I feel like a massive dissapointment to anyone who's ever known me. I fight and fight and each time it feels like I run out of steam faster than the last. I hit rock bottom. As in, a new rock bottom (which only took about three weeks to dethrone the last). I would think that for someone as hopeless as I've been lately I could at least take refuge in the fact that rock bottom usually means it can only get better, or at least not get too much worse. But nope, my life somehow managed to find a way to destroy that too, so that now even after the worse I can still very easily believe that somehow, as virtually impossible as it seems right now, there is always a way for things to get even worse. Pessimism at its very finest. Thank you life.

I feel insanely alone. I feel like 99% of my most meaningful personal connections have pretty much vanished for all intents and purposes. Sure, that's mostly because of all the bridges I seemed to somehow burn. Even so, the efforts that I have made to reconnect with people on any meaningful level have been largely unsuccessful, but it's probably still my fault. I'm done with hopeless attempts to reach out. Or maybe I'm tired of having to do all the reaching out. Maybe that's why I'm writing this here. Maybe it's a cry for help of sorts. At the very least I know it's being communicated. Maybe that counts for something.

I wish I could see how this experience will make me stronger in the end (assuming there is one). But I don't. The old me would say "not yet at least". The real me says that's bull.

I can't see the bright side the vast majority of times. There is no light at the end of the tunnel always there to guide me either. I can't just suck it up and push any more than I already am. I'm tired and extremely weak. There is no easy "fix". I just wish there were more people who could understand that and so they could stop indirectly insulting me and knocking me down even further with their ignorant assumptions. Maybe then there would be more people I could actually trust with the truth of what I'm going through and I wouldn't feel as horribly alone. Again, there's probably no one to blame but myself.

I don't even know what I was really trying to communicate anymore. I guess I just wanted to point out the fact that I'm in extreme pain. That's all. Why? I don't know. But there it is. Is it stupid for me to be this honest on a public internet blog? Probably. Oh well. Maybe someday I'll look back on this and see how far I've come. Or maybe I'll look back at this and laugh because it only gets much worse from here.

P.S: There's no use worrying about me. Worry is for problems yet to come. My issues are here, and they've been here for quite a while. The disaster's not looming. This is it. If reading this arouses some sympathy, thank you for your kind thoughts. If it causes pity, then that's fair too. If you read this and shake your head in some mixture of confusion, disappointment, or just plain disgust and dislike, I don't blame you.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Silence (LOA)

I haven't written anything here for a long time. Sometimes it feels like I haven't actually done anything for a long time, like my life has been frozen in some giant tank and been simply preserved. That's not exactly true, there has been a slow (very slow) sense of evolution. But it's definitely been a surreal three months or so. It's as if everyone around me has been moving at lightning speed toward something I couldn't understand anymore. They've been living, enjoying, struggling, working, going somewhere (or they at least didn't mind not knowing for certain that they were actually going anywhere). It all became utterly incomprehensible to me.

It's a good thing that I've had that giant preservation tank (a.k.a a family supportive enough to let me do what most people consider to be "nothing" with minimal judgement) to let me just freeze my life into place. Had things been different I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with the pain and confusion for much longer.

I considered just ending this blog altogether. The purpose of it was well meant, but in reference to my first few posts I obviously missed the target on what it was I really needed this break for. If I had started this blog earlier than I did, there'd be a lot more to write about, and it might have been a bit more exciting.

But things have been different. Instead of unleashing some kind of potential or pursuing passions that had been restrained, this break became a needed (as in, emergency) escape. I came dangerously close to the edge, and had I not put an end to the path I was going in I'm afraid I may have arrived at a point of no return. Not a good place to be.

Once upon a time I had ambition, I had passion, I had the will to live a life beyond what I was allowing myself to live. That is what "breaking chains" was all about. I allowed myself to be encapsulated into a very narrow way of thinking and living. I allowed myself to be brainwashed into thinking that the right way was to follow the path laid out for me and so many others. I knew I had to break out. I knew the risk was great, but the rewards would be immeasurable. And I knew that, ironically, not taking that risk would doom me for certain. And that's exactly what happened.

My decision to take this time off came about half a year too late. Perhaps out of fear, I allowed myself to continue on that precarious path, trying to carve something of value out of the inside of my continually self-reinforcing prison cell. But the cell became a torture chamber, and the walls too thick to get out of safely. I had to blow my way out and settle for a severely injured version of a free me.  In other words, I decided to continue business as usual and start my junior year like everyone else, which, even with some positives, yielded disastrous results to my well-being.

I may not be making much sense except to those extremely few people who know a bit more about what's been going on with me for the past one and a half years or so. I've gotten used to not really making sense to a lot of people, at least concerning my most inner (as in, most of my) thoughts. (I guess I could also clarify if anyone was interested but confused and wanted to ask.)

All in all I decided to continue posting here. This blog has become sort of symbolic in reflecting my life over the past few months, so I knew I couldn't just leave it empty. Not now that things, promising things, are starting to stir inside me (and out). Life goes on and I guess so will this blog.

Maybe my future posts will be more exciting, but this isn't necessarily a promise of better times. I am free, but I am as vulnerable as I've ever been. I've hurt the very people who've been closest to me, people who in many senses I probably owe my life to.  All I know is that I've been through the darkest days of my life, and very recently the absolute darkest, but I have also begun a gradual climb. And though I'm weighed down by the guilt of wronging those who've shown me nothing but love, I am strong enough now in my resolve to know that letting it stop me would be a disservice to those who have stood by me despite it all.

Maybe it's time for the original intent of this leave of absence to finally be fulfilled. It's been a slow start, and it's going to continue to be for some time, but the standstill is over.

I'm being careful to keep this from being overly optimistic too soon (I've set myself up for failure like that too many times before), but damn it I'm not going down without a fight anymore. I don't yet know what exactly my resolve is, but I don't care anymore. I'm going to keep going; that's it.